Our minds are wild and crazy little things. It tricks us, makes us overthink, over worry, over stress...it basically fucks us. I have a manic mind. Always have. I could have a degree in multi-tasking. My days are filled with “what if’s”, looking back, and preparation for shit that will 99% never happen. There is NO slowing it down.
This time it just took over. After 21 years of marriage it was over. In some ways it was
f I n a l l y over. In other ways it was holy shit fuck damn piss ant mother fucking bullshit. Damn. Regardless it was shit town and I had to find a way to get beyond thinking and re-thinking. I mean I created a whole new world in that mind of mine and was just replaying all the things that had transpired for decades. Nothing like ruminating on misery for 22 out of 24 hours of each and every day. Here I was, with 3 incredible children, suddenly a single mother who was sleep deprived, on the ledge and depressed as all hell.
I’m not a drinker. I refuse to take meds because my family has a lonnggg history of addiction. Coming from this long miserable relationship filled with an addict helped me decide long ago I would never be addicted to anything. So, I had read about and researched pot because of several of my patients making some pretty shocking improvements using it. One of my AIDS patients educated me in her use of cannabis for her anxiety and depression and PTSD. She told me about a couple of strains to try and kind of a schedule of when to take what and when. I mean you gotta know I was not a weed smoker. My mom convinced me when I was in middle school that I was allergic to grass so I was terrified of it and didn’t want to die. I tried that with my own kids and well, major fail. Anyways, two days later I find myself calling my bestie in the Westie and seeing if she would go with me to one of those pot doc shops to get a medical recommendation letter. My God, once again my mind over thought that whole thing and looking back I can't help but make fun of myself for making such a big fucking deal out of that whole process. Maybe I thought I was doing something naughty or illegal or whatever. It was kinda sketch but 10 minutes later we were buckled up heading to our first marijuana store, aka dispensary. We had no idea where to go. There was no advertising and we had only the choice to ask the doctors office where to go.
After feeling like a total loser, the same way I feel in the wine aisle at the grocery, we managed to get what we thought was a good amount of dope! Soooo we headed to Venice Beach for our first joint adventure together. Wow. For the first time on over 4 months my mind shut the fuck up. For months I felt like my mind was like the map of Los Angeles at dark at peak traffic with all the red brake lights and white headlights. Constant chaos. Within 15 minutes I could see the Santa Monica Pier so vividly, watch the dog running alongside their owner on their bike, hear each beat of the drums from the street performer, and I finally could not think about my clusterfuck of a life. I was given peace. I call it Thoughts By THC. It changed me. I resolved to find my treatment regimen. Seek ways to sleep, work, parent, be a better friend, and just live a life not on edge waiting for the next catastrophe.
Since then I have come to truly appreciate the mental benefits cannabis offers. Look, it’s not for everyone. Just like wine isn’t for me. Now I have found through
Trying different strains and using different ways to explore it like Vape pens, edibles, tinctures, etc. It takes awhile to figure out what works and sometimes something works for awhile and then stop working. Thankfully there are hundreds if not nearly a thousand options available to switch out.
For months I begged and prayed for my mind to come out of that constant loop. I also had Pre-diabetes, weighed about 30 pounds more, had high blood pressure, high cholesterol and severe kidney stones. I now am down those 30 pounds, no diabetes, no hypertension and normal cholesterol. I refuse opiates for the kidney stones and the ER doctors are shocked I can walk in having that much pain. They always have 2-3 Doctors come over to ask me a hundred questions about it...that’s when I have to remind them I am super high!
Thinking is great. Over thinking is not. Sleeping is under-rated. Laughter should be a requirement at least a dozen times a day. Plus, looking at Instagram and Facebook feeds is MUCH better while indulging In THC. And most importantly to me is that I could walk away from it today and never do it again. Would I want to stop? Of course not. It helps me be a better me. Ask my kids, I’m sure they’d agree. Every day is a good, better, best day with thoughts by THC.
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